My First Night Shift

Its my second month here at XXXXXXX and I'm starting my first day of the dreaded graveyard shift. Its not too bad, Day starts at about 11:30am (depending on the traffic on the M25) and finishes at 8:00pm. After 5pm there's not much to do so i thought id write a blog, i got the idea from my sister really, she's always on the blasted thing, writing down her "comments of the day", i hate to admit it but she's rather a god writer whereas me, I'm a bit of a joker, well i like to think i am.
Anyway walked into the office after parking my blasted hire vehicle (company car) about 2 miles away in some nasty NCP parking lot, walked down the stairs past all the piss in the corners of the stair wells. Isn't it weird how you get used to that smell?! Was absolutely fucking knackered by the time i got to the office because it sits on the biggest hill you have ever seen! So i pushed the massive doors open to be met by this dick splod security guard who's been on my back ever since i joined for some reason. Anyway unfortunately i forgot my id badge so i try to cover my belly with a scarf thinking he wont notice, walked past his smirking face, got to the stairs, get up a few steps and i hear
"excuse me sir" I'm thinking, this guy is taking the piss.
"Where's your ID badge?"
"Ummmm, i kinda forget it?!"
"oooohhhhhhhh, I'm not sure if i can let you in sir"
"well I'm kinda in already"
"well you're not actually in the office technically are you?"
"Are you serious?"
"Oh yes sir we take security really serious here at xxxxx"
"if that's the case then why aren't you checking the 4 people who have just walked in"
"Well i recognize them, don't i!"
"how do you know you recognize them if you haven't even turned round to see if you recognize them?"
"i know"
"Anyway you don't recognize me? You flipping made my security card when i started!?"
"there's no need to speak like that"
At that point i remembered my son was mucking around with it last night cause its got this pull string thing on it and he loves to see how far it can go before it slaps into his face at 100mph. So i remember shoving it in my bag to keep him safe!
"ooohh actually, its in my bag"
"that's ok then you can go up"
"WHAT?!! you don't want to see it?
"No, as long as you have it on you, that's ok for me!
"So if i came in and said i had it in my bag you wouldn't have said anything?"
"Nope" And off that fucker went! Into his fag smelling room where he most probably sat till some other poor fucker he didn't like turned up for work!
After taking a quick pee i walked into the office and see this ass hole, an absolute prick, the biggest bum licker i have ever seen in my life that i have been working with for 2 months, you know the kind of guy that starts bum licking everyone so that he gets favours, like gets to go home early , does over time etc but what he doesn't know is that everyone thinks he's a right prick!
Anyway i walk in and its
" you're supposed to be in 11:30 aren't you?
"oh yeah i am but i was speaking to the MD"
The look on his face was soo funny, i nearly pee'd.
It was like i just had sex with is wife, hahahah, i knew he was dying to ask me what i was doing talking to him and i knew he'd ask me later in the day, so i was thinking off all these mad reasons. Anyway plugged my lappie into the docking station and booted up my lappie. Started to troubleshoot some calls. I work in IT , 3rd line support. Anyway came to about 3pm, thought id go for some food and i heard,
"alright xxxxx, so you going for lunch?"
"yep" (i knew he was going to ask me about the conversation i supposedly had so i kept it brief, don't give him anything to work with)
"sooo...."
"yes"
"what u getting?"
"food, I'm hungry, you want something?"
"no, I'm ok thanks"
"ok then see ya"
"oi xxxx, what errrr....."
"yes?"
"what were chatting with the MD about?"
"ohhhh, cant say mate, he told me not to tell anyone!"
I couldn't help it but i thought this asshole has given me loads of reasons to make a idjit out of him, so i winked and walked off. I walked down to Marks & Sparks (I shouldn't have cause of the whole Israel and Palestine thing but they do do some fucking nice food man!) Grabbed some fruit and then changed my mind half way and grabbed these "chocolate refrigerator cakes" which i must say are truly orgasmic! Anyway munched my way through them and walked back.
Went into the office and carried on working, and then mr bumlicker started to do the one thing i hate above all, he started to watch what i was doing. You'd think that even after i'd moved my lappie in an angle that he'd get the point but he just moved further out to get a better view of my screen, so i turned round and said:
"alright xx"
"oh yeah, yeah, was just seeing..."
"seeing what?........."
"nothing man, you know......"
"no i don't , what's up with you man?......."
"nothing , god, you're in a bad mood aren't you, don't take it out on me?"
"I'm not in a bad mood, its just you been like a peeping tom since i came back in the office, at first i kind of liked the attention but now its getting kinda rude, you know?"
"i wasn't looking at you, in not a gay" I giggled, i found it funny, this guys a proper freshie right off the boat from Lahore, Pakistan and sometimes, he fucks his words up which i find just wicked cause my mum does it all the time.
The favourites are:
TESCo becomes TESHTO
FOOD GIANT becomes Food Joint
Happy Birthday becomes Happy Bird day.
Anyway i let him off and carried on working till...well now actually, MR BL (Bum licker) for short is still sitting next to me pretending to do work (but he's looking at the auto trader website, got another colleague, Nigerian guy who's fucking well dodgy. Made the mistake of telling him i want to get sky.
"SKY, i know a guy who will do sky for you my friend"
"Oh yeah?"
"yes £16 a month for everything"
"yeah?"
"yeah, just give him your credit........"
"fuck you mate, i don't even give my mum my CC card let alone a Nigerian"
No thanks, so i ordered it myself and grabbed a bargain, skyworld package (that's everything for £40 including unlimited broadband).Anyway a few hours to go and then i can go home and see my Mrs and my little boy, cant wait! Lets hope i don't strangle Mr BL!
See you all tomorrow