Im in Holland at the moment and will be here for 2 weeks! Trying to enjoy it but im with same rather boring people and im already homesick.
Travelled on a Sunday and arrived in Holland witout much fuss, had a tasty doner whilst i waited for the train at Amsterdam train station. Caught the train to Eindhoven and arrived at the hotel at 8pm. All in all quite a good journey apart from the turbelence from the tiny lego plane i caught.
Rang the mrs and told her i arrived safely and then rang my parent to tell them the same.
Ring, Ring, Ring
Someone answers the phone.
"Hello"
"........................................................"
"Hello?"
"......................................................."
"HELLO?!"
"You don't have to shout"
"Well why weren't you answering?"
"because i was waiting for you to say something?"
Now this is a common problem i have when my dad picks up the phone. Mum isn't a problem cause she'll answer straight away but my dad, he's a pain in the arse!
He either
1)Doesn't even pick up the phone
2)Waits ten fucking years to say hello when he answers (so you start to doubt if you've even rung the right number or the lines dodgy!)
3)Passes the phone directly to my mum as soon as he hears its me without telling me or my mum
4) Or screams down the phone BABEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Below are just some of the things that drive me crazy, perhaps my sisters can do one for my mum as hers are allot more funnier! Like her constant attempts at cooking new recipes, E.g hot chillies in Salad, or biriyani with orange peel in it.
Anyway here are a few for my dad:
Mixes his corn flakes with anything, and i mean anything, left overs from the night before, bit of curry, tea etc etc.
Will eat anything, even if its off, smells rank, regardless of taste he will love it, even if he has done the same thing a few weeks ago and has gotten food poisoning from it.
Attempts to help you fix something, in the process fucking it up so much that you have to pay someone to come and do it or he has to do it"properly" and takes a further 2 weeks and also telling you that it was YOUR fault when it was really HIS!
Slagging you off publicly in front of family/ friends / police officers (Me only)
Criticising things really loud, especially in shops re: clothes, products etc etc in the vicinity of the shop manager
Coming out of the cinema watching a really good film and then saying it was shit. For Example: Jurassic Park, when it came out it was like wow, what brilliant special effects. So we take my dad to the cinema to watch it as he like all those nature programmes and stupidly thought he'd love it.
We all come out and we were like "wow, what a great film, see those special effects dad?"
"It was rubbish, the old black and white King Kong was better, that was rubbish"
Saying he could make anything cheaper than half the price of the thing you have just bought.
Anyway i better go, I'm actually supposed to be learning a new programming language.
Tuesday, 5 June 2007
Saturday, 26 May 2007
Tricks of the trade!
Hi guys and gals, well im baaaack!
Thanks to my big sis who put all my posts on this free blog!
Its been a loong time since i last posted so ill start where i left off really, so hang on to your hats ladies and gentlemen...
Arrived at the dreaded office early, for those who don't know (which will be all of you) i have now made friends with all the security guards at work. Don't ask me how, all i can say is it involved me, a large screwdriver and their cars being scratched and me pretending to chase off the guys who did it! heheheheheh.
Anyway arrived at work, in my own personal parking space which has now been allocated to me, i also get a Good morning Mr .... from the ladies at reception.
Walk in the office to find one of my colleagues (new guys) sitting at his desk with his head in his hands.
"Whats up mate?"
"Oh I'm sooo stressed, thank god you came in early"
"What u stressed about?"
"I had to do these checks on these servers at xxxxx and i accidentally turned it off!"
"YOU WHAT?!"
"yeah!...sniff...sniff..."
Just what i fucking need first thing...
"Well OK, I'm here now, lets turn them back on eh? These checks what were they for anyway?
"Oh just checking the backups etc etc, i had to do that and then get the engineer who's on site to turn them back on"
"Well, whats the problem? just get the engineer on site to turn them back on, job done!"
"ummm......"
"What?"
"i....told...... the engineer to not to go to site"
"why?"
"Didn't think i needed him"
"Well you were wrong weren't you?"
"Well not to worry that site is only down the road, ill get someone to go down there now."
"that's the other problem...I shut down the wrong site."
"oh for fucks sake man, OK what site is it?"
"Its in......."
"Just spit it out man, come on we ain't got long till they all start ringing and fucking complaining!"
"Its.....Its.......nah..you're just going to cuss me"
"Well I'm going to fucking HIT you if you don't tell me what site it is so which one you want? Plus i wouldn't cuss you, you're new to this"
"oh OK, the site is in Ireland"
"IRELAND, you FUCKING ARSEHOLE!, How in fucks name we going to get anyone down there! You lun! Are you doing this shit on purpose to give me a headache or something?"
After 5 mins of ripping him apart........
"OK, here's the plan of action, you don't mention this shit to anyone OK?"
"Eh?"
"We don't know they have gone down, and they don't know they have gone down, so everyone is happy eh?"
"Eh?"
"WE DON'T KNOW SHIT"
"ohhhhhhhh....i............ seeeeeeeee"
"But what if they ring up and say ...... isn't working"
"Then we investigate it and realise they need an engineer on site don't we?"
"Ahhhhhhh. man you are a lifesaver"
20 mins later........................
RINg! RINg! RINg!
"Hello, xxxx speaking how can i help?"
"Hi there this is xxx speaking from xxxxxx, we cant seem to access our xxxxx"
"Really? Where are you calling from?"
"IRELAND!"
Thanks to my big sis who put all my posts on this free blog!
Its been a loong time since i last posted so ill start where i left off really, so hang on to your hats ladies and gentlemen...
Arrived at the dreaded office early, for those who don't know (which will be all of you) i have now made friends with all the security guards at work. Don't ask me how, all i can say is it involved me, a large screwdriver and their cars being scratched and me pretending to chase off the guys who did it! heheheheheh.
Anyway arrived at work, in my own personal parking space which has now been allocated to me, i also get a Good morning Mr .... from the ladies at reception.
Walk in the office to find one of my colleagues (new guys) sitting at his desk with his head in his hands.
"Whats up mate?"
"Oh I'm sooo stressed, thank god you came in early"
"What u stressed about?"
"I had to do these checks on these servers at xxxxx and i accidentally turned it off!"
"YOU WHAT?!"
"yeah!...sniff...sniff..."
Just what i fucking need first thing...
"Well OK, I'm here now, lets turn them back on eh? These checks what were they for anyway?
"Oh just checking the backups etc etc, i had to do that and then get the engineer who's on site to turn them back on"
"Well, whats the problem? just get the engineer on site to turn them back on, job done!"
"ummm......"
"What?"
"i....told...... the engineer to not to go to site"
"why?"
"Didn't think i needed him"
"Well you were wrong weren't you?"
"Well not to worry that site is only down the road, ill get someone to go down there now."
"that's the other problem...I shut down the wrong site."
"oh for fucks sake man, OK what site is it?"
"Its in......."
"Just spit it out man, come on we ain't got long till they all start ringing and fucking complaining!"
"Its.....Its.......nah..you're just going to cuss me"
"Well I'm going to fucking HIT you if you don't tell me what site it is so which one you want? Plus i wouldn't cuss you, you're new to this"
"oh OK, the site is in Ireland"
"IRELAND, you FUCKING ARSEHOLE!, How in fucks name we going to get anyone down there! You lun! Are you doing this shit on purpose to give me a headache or something?"
After 5 mins of ripping him apart........
"OK, here's the plan of action, you don't mention this shit to anyone OK?"
"Eh?"
"We don't know they have gone down, and they don't know they have gone down, so everyone is happy eh?"
"Eh?"
"WE DON'T KNOW SHIT"
"ohhhhhhhh....i............ seeeeeeeee"
"But what if they ring up and say ...... isn't working"
"Then we investigate it and realise they need an engineer on site don't we?"
"Ahhhhhhh. man you are a lifesaver"
20 mins later........................
RINg! RINg! RINg!
"Hello, xxxx speaking how can i help?"
"Hi there this is xxx speaking from xxxxxx, we cant seem to access our xxxxx"
"Really? Where are you calling from?"
"IRELAND!"
Thursday, 24 May 2007
FREEBIE BLOGGING!!
Don't say I never do anything for you ... You are up, running and free!!! Check out the cricket headlines on the side too ... Man you must be so lucky to have a sis like me!!
Friday, 6 April 2007
Real Office Holland Style
sorry i haven't been in touch guys but i have been away on business, got lots to tell though so get ready......
Well i was asked to go to Holland for a business trip so i thought great another course under my belt, fantastic only to be told.
"Mr xxx (fuckface) is going with you to"
Yes that's right, i had to spend three days in Amsterdam and then eindhoven with him.
"So we are going to Holland my friend?"
"yes, we are, going to be good eh?"
"yes i am going to get some jiggy jiggy"
"jiggy jiggy? you dirty bastard, but you're married?"
"my wife no do things like that!"
"oh right well i'm not fucking around pal, we have got a short transfer from shippoll airport to eindhoven, last thing i want is to be stuck in dam"
"don't worry yaar, we go dam, put the bags in a locker and then go see some phud phud"
I couldn't believe what i was hearing, this guy was a pervert (which was ok to me) but he's been giving me the "i don't eat non halal meat" and the "i don't cheat on my wife" shit to everyone in the office so hearing this stuff made me wonder.
Anyway arrived at the airport bright and early, waited around for mr Fuckhead and guess what the bastard comes to the airport in?
A FUCKING SHELL SUIT! A shell suit i tell you, what the fuck?! I just put my head in my hands. I had to say something.
"Ummmmm..... where did you get that from?"
"You like?"
"Yes i love lime green"
"Hai?????"
"Don't worry bout it, lets go check in"
So off we went and checked in via the self service checkout thinga majig. Afterwards we thought we'd go to departures cause we didn't have much time left so we went through and made it quite quickly.
Anyway everything went quite smoothly for me anyway, Mr idjit's bags were kept and searched thoroughly, which i found most amusing. I was allowed straight in.
For those of you that dont know, i hate flying, i dont mind the actual flying bit, its the take off bit that fucks me right up. It's worse when you are in the arse of the plane and you see the rest of the plane taking off whilst your bit is still on the floor.
It got worse when i had a running commentry on the whole flight by Mr Idjit.
"ooohhhh look you can see lots of land from here".
Anyway arrived in dam in plenty of time and got the train to the eindhoven and then a cab to the hotel. Anyway the 2 days went pretty ok, course was good and i managed to fuck off from Mr idjit on regular occasions.
The flight back was pretty much the same and just as i thought this whole trips gone ok for once, what happens? I get bombarded by questions by this snotty faced kid at immigration at Heathrow.
This little shitebag, gets my passport and...
"hello sir , how are you?"
"fine thanks, and you?"
"could you please move to the right sir?"
"eh?"
"the right, you're standing too far over to the left, just wait over here for a little bit while i ask you some questions"
"are you serious? too far over to the left?!, thats a first"
That was it, i went into bastard mode, this little shit head was being a dick splash. Why is it asian boys always have to give it the big un with other asians guys? Think its a macho thing, you know, my cocks bigger than your cock mentality.
He looked at my passport picture and...
" can you lift off your cap"
"you didnt say the magic word"
"sorry sir, please can you lift off your cap?"
"yes i can"
"sooo......... are you going to?"
"ohhh..... you want to take it off? why?"
"just sir......"
so i took off my cap.
"so where you coming from sir?"
"iraq!"
"what were you doing there?"
"training camp"
"it says you came from amsterdam?!"
"well what you asking for then? I knew this shit would happen, what is this? stop a muslim day?"
"i havent stopped you?"
"well i have STOPPED walking havent i?"
"oh well if you mean it literally"
"WTF, what other way is there? And why is it everyone else gets to go straight through and i get stopped like im a somalian with a dodgy passport?"
He smiled a bit and his colleague laughed a little too....
"thanks anyway sir, have a nice day"
"yeah, yeah, you have a fucking nice day too with your pen behind your ear you little shit bag"
I didnt actually say that bit to him...anyway went through, met the mrs and my little un and went home, now i've got to it all over again in another weeks time.
See ya then
Well i was asked to go to Holland for a business trip so i thought great another course under my belt, fantastic only to be told.
"Mr xxx (fuckface) is going with you to"
Yes that's right, i had to spend three days in Amsterdam and then eindhoven with him.
"So we are going to Holland my friend?"
"yes, we are, going to be good eh?"
"yes i am going to get some jiggy jiggy"
"jiggy jiggy? you dirty bastard, but you're married?"
"my wife no do things like that!"
"oh right well i'm not fucking around pal, we have got a short transfer from shippoll airport to eindhoven, last thing i want is to be stuck in dam"
"don't worry yaar, we go dam, put the bags in a locker and then go see some phud phud"
I couldn't believe what i was hearing, this guy was a pervert (which was ok to me) but he's been giving me the "i don't eat non halal meat" and the "i don't cheat on my wife" shit to everyone in the office so hearing this stuff made me wonder.
Anyway arrived at the airport bright and early, waited around for mr Fuckhead and guess what the bastard comes to the airport in?
A FUCKING SHELL SUIT! A shell suit i tell you, what the fuck?! I just put my head in my hands. I had to say something.
"Ummmmm..... where did you get that from?"
"You like?"
"Yes i love lime green"
"Hai?????"
"Don't worry bout it, lets go check in"
So off we went and checked in via the self service checkout thinga majig. Afterwards we thought we'd go to departures cause we didn't have much time left so we went through and made it quite quickly.
Anyway everything went quite smoothly for me anyway, Mr idjit's bags were kept and searched thoroughly, which i found most amusing. I was allowed straight in.
For those of you that dont know, i hate flying, i dont mind the actual flying bit, its the take off bit that fucks me right up. It's worse when you are in the arse of the plane and you see the rest of the plane taking off whilst your bit is still on the floor.
It got worse when i had a running commentry on the whole flight by Mr Idjit.
"ooohhhh look you can see lots of land from here".
Anyway arrived in dam in plenty of time and got the train to the eindhoven and then a cab to the hotel. Anyway the 2 days went pretty ok, course was good and i managed to fuck off from Mr idjit on regular occasions.
The flight back was pretty much the same and just as i thought this whole trips gone ok for once, what happens? I get bombarded by questions by this snotty faced kid at immigration at Heathrow.
This little shitebag, gets my passport and...
"hello sir , how are you?"
"fine thanks, and you?"
"could you please move to the right sir?"
"eh?"
"the right, you're standing too far over to the left, just wait over here for a little bit while i ask you some questions"
"are you serious? too far over to the left?!, thats a first"
That was it, i went into bastard mode, this little shit head was being a dick splash. Why is it asian boys always have to give it the big un with other asians guys? Think its a macho thing, you know, my cocks bigger than your cock mentality.
He looked at my passport picture and...
" can you lift off your cap"
"you didnt say the magic word"
"sorry sir, please can you lift off your cap?"
"yes i can"
"sooo......... are you going to?"
"ohhh..... you want to take it off? why?"
"just sir......"
so i took off my cap.
"so where you coming from sir?"
"iraq!"
"what were you doing there?"
"training camp"
"it says you came from amsterdam?!"
"well what you asking for then? I knew this shit would happen, what is this? stop a muslim day?"
"i havent stopped you?"
"well i have STOPPED walking havent i?"
"oh well if you mean it literally"
"WTF, what other way is there? And why is it everyone else gets to go straight through and i get stopped like im a somalian with a dodgy passport?"
He smiled a bit and his colleague laughed a little too....
"thanks anyway sir, have a nice day"
"yeah, yeah, you have a fucking nice day too with your pen behind your ear you little shit bag"
I didnt actually say that bit to him...anyway went through, met the mrs and my little un and went home, now i've got to it all over again in another weeks time.
See ya then
Friday, 9 March 2007
Another day
Drove from my home to my dads house to drop off the little one, sang old McDonald most of the way until my son got the hump because he didn't understand why he couldn't choose the animal "tiger"
"But son you cant say tiger because you don't get tigers in a farm"
"yes you do"
"No, you don't"
"yes you do"
"Nooo, you don't!"
"YYYYYEEEESSS YOU DOOOOO!
"ok, ok, for gods sake....with a roaaar, roooaar there and a roooaar roooar here....."
"he he funny!"
Eventually we arrived at my mum and dads, the little un jumped out, grabbed his bag and shot out of the car and waited at the front door of my old manor, jumping up and down like a flipping energiser bunny!
"open door abu"
"give me a min"
"Noooowwwwwwwwwww"
"OKKKKKK!!!!!!!"
I shouldn't have but i teased him a little before i let him in.
"zoo here today" (his cousin),
"Noooooo, zoo come Friday"
"Today IS Friday!"
He stayed silent and then went
"Yeeeeeeeeeeesssssssssssssss and flung his hands up in the air!"
Walked in and i tell you what, i think me watching all the WWE (formerly WWF) wrestling may have given him idea's, he ran up to Zoo and literally bear hugged the poor fucker! It didn't help that Zoo saw me and shat himself! He took one look at me and clawed his way up my dads leg and buried his head into my dads chest!
My dad did his impersonation of Santa
"Ho Ho Ho!, i don't know why he scared of you?"
"god knows dad"
"Puthr, you getting fat! you look pregnant"
"thanks dad, nice to see you too, by the way can you stop giving my son cakes and shit for breakfast, its not good for him"
"I Don't DO IT, SPEAK TO YOUR MOTHER"
"MUUUUMMMM,??!!!"
"Mai, kushnai kitha"
"Just don't give him any of that crap, give him fruit or something"
"Acha" she said as she slyly took the cup cake out of the plate she was about to give my son!"
"Toasthie???"
Anyway to be honest there's no getting away from it, my parents are and always have been FEEDERS!
Left my mums and got into my car, my dad for some reason finds it funny if he makes my son watch me leave and make him cry! Some sort of sick Pakistani macho thing to make him tougher! Made my way into work on the dreaded M25 and have just walked into the office and guess what? Mr security dude is apparently ill! Was met by a lovely young lady who didn't even look at me or check for my badge, and even better I found a parking space just outside the office! yessssssssssssssss! Still have to walk up two flights of stairs though, am tempted to catch the lift but if i do it once ill always do it!
Tell you what though, this bloody laptop of mine is heavy, my biceps getting bigger by the day!
Walked in and was greeted by some more news, Mr BL is NOT in! Yeah baby! Apparently there's been a complication so he's taken the day off! I frankly do not care, although I'm going to miss the banter!
Anyway......................oh FUCKING HELL, you never guess what? As i write this, he's fucking walked in, what the fuck?!!!
I don't know what it is but as soon as the guy says hello to me in his droopy voice my blood starts boiling and my dads temper kicks in!
hahahahah, I've nicked his power supply and he don't know it yet......
Chat to you guys later when the late shift starts!
Update on Friday, March 9, 2007 at 04:30PM by TheRealOffice
Just thought id add this on because i thought this one was one of the best written articles i have read so far:
An extract is below and a full link for the article is here:
http://www.johnpilger.com/page.asp?partid=426
Extract
The United States is planning what will be a catastrophic attack on Iran. For the Bush cabal, the attack will be a way of “buying time” for its disaster in Iraq. In announcing what he called a “surge” of American troops in Iraq, George W Bush identified Iran as his real target. “We will interrupt the flow of support [to the insurgency in Iraq] from Iran and Syria”, he said. “And we will seek out and destroy the networks providing advanced weaponry and training to our enemies in Iraq.”
"But son you cant say tiger because you don't get tigers in a farm"
"yes you do"
"No, you don't"
"yes you do"
"Nooo, you don't!"
"YYYYYEEEESSS YOU DOOOOO!
"ok, ok, for gods sake....with a roaaar, roooaar there and a roooaar roooar here....."
"he he funny!"
Eventually we arrived at my mum and dads, the little un jumped out, grabbed his bag and shot out of the car and waited at the front door of my old manor, jumping up and down like a flipping energiser bunny!
"open door abu"
"give me a min"
"Noooowwwwwwwwwww"
"OKKKKKK!!!!!!!"
I shouldn't have but i teased him a little before i let him in.
"zoo here today" (his cousin),
"Noooooo, zoo come Friday"
"Today IS Friday!"
He stayed silent and then went
"Yeeeeeeeeeeesssssssssssssss and flung his hands up in the air!"
Walked in and i tell you what, i think me watching all the WWE (formerly WWF) wrestling may have given him idea's, he ran up to Zoo and literally bear hugged the poor fucker! It didn't help that Zoo saw me and shat himself! He took one look at me and clawed his way up my dads leg and buried his head into my dads chest!
My dad did his impersonation of Santa
"Ho Ho Ho!, i don't know why he scared of you?"
"god knows dad"
"Puthr, you getting fat! you look pregnant"
"thanks dad, nice to see you too, by the way can you stop giving my son cakes and shit for breakfast, its not good for him"
"I Don't DO IT, SPEAK TO YOUR MOTHER"
"MUUUUMMMM,??!!!"
"Mai, kushnai kitha"
"Just don't give him any of that crap, give him fruit or something"
"Acha" she said as she slyly took the cup cake out of the plate she was about to give my son!"
"Toasthie???"
Anyway to be honest there's no getting away from it, my parents are and always have been FEEDERS!
Left my mums and got into my car, my dad for some reason finds it funny if he makes my son watch me leave and make him cry! Some sort of sick Pakistani macho thing to make him tougher! Made my way into work on the dreaded M25 and have just walked into the office and guess what? Mr security dude is apparently ill! Was met by a lovely young lady who didn't even look at me or check for my badge, and even better I found a parking space just outside the office! yessssssssssssssss! Still have to walk up two flights of stairs though, am tempted to catch the lift but if i do it once ill always do it!
Tell you what though, this bloody laptop of mine is heavy, my biceps getting bigger by the day!
Walked in and was greeted by some more news, Mr BL is NOT in! Yeah baby! Apparently there's been a complication so he's taken the day off! I frankly do not care, although I'm going to miss the banter!
Anyway......................oh FUCKING HELL, you never guess what? As i write this, he's fucking walked in, what the fuck?!!!
I don't know what it is but as soon as the guy says hello to me in his droopy voice my blood starts boiling and my dads temper kicks in!
hahahahah, I've nicked his power supply and he don't know it yet......
Chat to you guys later when the late shift starts!
Update on Friday, March 9, 2007 at 04:30PM by TheRealOffice
Just thought id add this on because i thought this one was one of the best written articles i have read so far:
An extract is below and a full link for the article is here:
http://www.johnpilger.com/page.asp?partid=426
Extract
The United States is planning what will be a catastrophic attack on Iran. For the Bush cabal, the attack will be a way of “buying time” for its disaster in Iraq. In announcing what he called a “surge” of American troops in Iraq, George W Bush identified Iran as his real target. “We will interrupt the flow of support [to the insurgency in Iraq] from Iran and Syria”, he said. “And we will seek out and destroy the networks providing advanced weaponry and training to our enemies in Iraq.”
Second Night Shift
It has come to my attention that someone who's been working here for over 3 years has absolutely no f ing idea what he is doing?!!
How in fucks name he has got away with that one is a piss take but commendable as i thought i was a good bullshitter, this guys getting paid bucks for doing jack didly, what a fucking legend! Thought id tell him as well but he didn't take too kindly to that and then tried to blag me!
"Listen, i know that you know, that you know fuck all and i ain't got a problem with that but don't bullshit me, I'm from Brent mate!"
"oh north west London??!"
"Yeah"
"oh i thought you lived around here"
"Like fuck!"
"How long you been working here?"
"3 years mon"
"3 years and no ones clocked??!"
"nope, i just pass on the calls to 4th line support"
Fair play i thought, ain't my business if the companies too stupid to realise they have a cock working in their midst.
Anyway after our little spat i sat down and now i cant shake this guy off my back, he's become Mr BL2!
"do you want any water?"
"No I'm alright thanks"
"do you want any coffee?"
"No I'm alright thanks"
"What you doing for lunch?"
"going to the bakery's"
"oh that's where I'm going, ill come along"
Jesus Christ, why cant my day just be normal.
Anyway after a little while i realised he's actually ok, a bit of a bullshitter but then everyone is to some extent aren't they, look at Blair and Bush??!! Anyway just sitting in the office, winding down, got some family shit.. i mean shin dig to go to, NOT looking forward to it at all.
Mr BL1 is sitting beside me shitting himself cause he's just dialled into a server and managed to fuck it right up the arse hole. I would help him but i haven't got a clue what he's done, i told him...
"oi xx, don't dial in and start tinkering if you don't know what you're doing?!"
"i know what to do, i used to do this at last work yaar"
"yeah"
"yes and i have my Cisco, MCP, i know all this things"
"ok, go for it"
He's still on the phone with someone trying to blag his way out of it, rubbing his bald head back and forth, he's proper riled up! Might help him, feel sorry for him now............ That's my problem i care too much!
See you lot tomorrow!
How in fucks name he has got away with that one is a piss take but commendable as i thought i was a good bullshitter, this guys getting paid bucks for doing jack didly, what a fucking legend! Thought id tell him as well but he didn't take too kindly to that and then tried to blag me!
"Listen, i know that you know, that you know fuck all and i ain't got a problem with that but don't bullshit me, I'm from Brent mate!"
"oh north west London??!"
"Yeah"
"oh i thought you lived around here"
"Like fuck!"
"How long you been working here?"
"3 years mon"
"3 years and no ones clocked??!"
"nope, i just pass on the calls to 4th line support"
Fair play i thought, ain't my business if the companies too stupid to realise they have a cock working in their midst.
Anyway after our little spat i sat down and now i cant shake this guy off my back, he's become Mr BL2!
"do you want any water?"
"No I'm alright thanks"
"do you want any coffee?"
"No I'm alright thanks"
"What you doing for lunch?"
"going to the bakery's"
"oh that's where I'm going, ill come along"
Jesus Christ, why cant my day just be normal.
Anyway after a little while i realised he's actually ok, a bit of a bullshitter but then everyone is to some extent aren't they, look at Blair and Bush??!! Anyway just sitting in the office, winding down, got some family shit.. i mean shin dig to go to, NOT looking forward to it at all.
Mr BL1 is sitting beside me shitting himself cause he's just dialled into a server and managed to fuck it right up the arse hole. I would help him but i haven't got a clue what he's done, i told him...
"oi xx, don't dial in and start tinkering if you don't know what you're doing?!"
"i know what to do, i used to do this at last work yaar"
"yeah"
"yes and i have my Cisco, MCP, i know all this things"
"ok, go for it"
He's still on the phone with someone trying to blag his way out of it, rubbing his bald head back and forth, he's proper riled up! Might help him, feel sorry for him now............ That's my problem i care too much!
See you lot tomorrow!
Thursday, 8 March 2007
My First Night Shift
Its my second month here at XXXXXXX and I'm starting my first day of the dreaded graveyard shift. Its not too bad, Day starts at about 11:30am (depending on the traffic on the M25) and finishes at 8:00pm. After 5pm there's not much to do so i thought id write a blog, i got the idea from my sister really, she's always on the blasted thing, writing down her "comments of the day", i hate to admit it but she's rather a god writer whereas me, I'm a bit of a joker, well i like to think i am.
Anyway walked into the office after parking my blasted hire vehicle (company car) about 2 miles away in some nasty NCP parking lot, walked down the stairs past all the piss in the corners of the stair wells. Isn't it weird how you get used to that smell?! Was absolutely fucking knackered by the time i got to the office because it sits on the biggest hill you have ever seen! So i pushed the massive doors open to be met by this dick splod security guard who's been on my back ever since i joined for some reason. Anyway unfortunately i forgot my id badge so i try to cover my belly with a scarf thinking he wont notice, walked past his smirking face, got to the stairs, get up a few steps and i hear
"excuse me sir" I'm thinking, this guy is taking the piss.
"Where's your ID badge?"
"Ummmm, i kinda forget it?!"
"oooohhhhhhhh, I'm not sure if i can let you in sir"
"well I'm kinda in already"
"well you're not actually in the office technically are you?"
"Are you serious?"
"Oh yes sir we take security really serious here at xxxxx"
"if that's the case then why aren't you checking the 4 people who have just walked in"
"Well i recognize them, don't i!"
"how do you know you recognize them if you haven't even turned round to see if you recognize them?"
"i know"
"Anyway you don't recognize me? You flipping made my security card when i started!?"
"there's no need to speak like that"
At that point i remembered my son was mucking around with it last night cause its got this pull string thing on it and he loves to see how far it can go before it slaps into his face at 100mph. So i remember shoving it in my bag to keep him safe!
"ooohh actually, its in my bag"
"that's ok then you can go up"
"WHAT?!! you don't want to see it?
"No, as long as you have it on you, that's ok for me!
"So if i came in and said i had it in my bag you wouldn't have said anything?"
"Nope" And off that fucker went! Into his fag smelling room where he most probably sat till some other poor fucker he didn't like turned up for work!
After taking a quick pee i walked into the office and see this ass hole, an absolute prick, the biggest bum licker i have ever seen in my life that i have been working with for 2 months, you know the kind of guy that starts bum licking everyone so that he gets favours, like gets to go home early , does over time etc but what he doesn't know is that everyone thinks he's a right prick!
Anyway i walk in and its
" you're supposed to be in 11:30 aren't you?
"oh yeah i am but i was speaking to the MD"
The look on his face was soo funny, i nearly pee'd.
It was like i just had sex with is wife, hahahah, i knew he was dying to ask me what i was doing talking to him and i knew he'd ask me later in the day, so i was thinking off all these mad reasons. Anyway plugged my lappie into the docking station and booted up my lappie. Started to troubleshoot some calls. I work in IT , 3rd line support. Anyway came to about 3pm, thought id go for some food and i heard,
"alright xxxxx, so you going for lunch?"
"yep" (i knew he was going to ask me about the conversation i supposedly had so i kept it brief, don't give him anything to work with)
"sooo...."
"yes"
"what u getting?"
"food, I'm hungry, you want something?"
"no, I'm ok thanks"
"ok then see ya"
"oi xxxx, what errrr....."
"yes?"
"what were chatting with the MD about?"
"ohhhh, cant say mate, he told me not to tell anyone!"
I couldn't help it but i thought this asshole has given me loads of reasons to make a idjit out of him, so i winked and walked off. I walked down to Marks & Sparks (I shouldn't have cause of the whole Israel and Palestine thing but they do do some fucking nice food man!) Grabbed some fruit and then changed my mind half way and grabbed these "chocolate refrigerator cakes" which i must say are truly orgasmic! Anyway munched my way through them and walked back.
Went into the office and carried on working, and then mr bumlicker started to do the one thing i hate above all, he started to watch what i was doing. You'd think that even after i'd moved my lappie in an angle that he'd get the point but he just moved further out to get a better view of my screen, so i turned round and said:
"alright xx"
"oh yeah, yeah, was just seeing..."
"seeing what?........."
"nothing man, you know......"
"no i don't , what's up with you man?......."
"nothing , god, you're in a bad mood aren't you, don't take it out on me?"
"I'm not in a bad mood, its just you been like a peeping tom since i came back in the office, at first i kind of liked the attention but now its getting kinda rude, you know?"
"i wasn't looking at you, in not a gay" I giggled, i found it funny, this guys a proper freshie right off the boat from Lahore, Pakistan and sometimes, he fucks his words up which i find just wicked cause my mum does it all the time.
The favourites are:
TESCo becomes TESHTO
FOOD GIANT becomes Food Joint
Happy Birthday becomes Happy Bird day.
Anyway i let him off and carried on working till...well now actually, MR BL (Bum licker) for short is still sitting next to me pretending to do work (but he's looking at the auto trader website, got another colleague, Nigerian guy who's fucking well dodgy. Made the mistake of telling him i want to get sky.
"SKY, i know a guy who will do sky for you my friend"
"Oh yeah?"
"yes £16 a month for everything"
"yeah?"
"yeah, just give him your credit........"
"fuck you mate, i don't even give my mum my CC card let alone a Nigerian"
No thanks, so i ordered it myself and grabbed a bargain, skyworld package (that's everything for £40 including unlimited broadband).Anyway a few hours to go and then i can go home and see my Mrs and my little boy, cant wait! Lets hope i don't strangle Mr BL!
See you all tomorrow
Anyway walked into the office after parking my blasted hire vehicle (company car) about 2 miles away in some nasty NCP parking lot, walked down the stairs past all the piss in the corners of the stair wells. Isn't it weird how you get used to that smell?! Was absolutely fucking knackered by the time i got to the office because it sits on the biggest hill you have ever seen! So i pushed the massive doors open to be met by this dick splod security guard who's been on my back ever since i joined for some reason. Anyway unfortunately i forgot my id badge so i try to cover my belly with a scarf thinking he wont notice, walked past his smirking face, got to the stairs, get up a few steps and i hear
"excuse me sir" I'm thinking, this guy is taking the piss.
"Where's your ID badge?"
"Ummmm, i kinda forget it?!"
"oooohhhhhhhh, I'm not sure if i can let you in sir"
"well I'm kinda in already"
"well you're not actually in the office technically are you?"
"Are you serious?"
"Oh yes sir we take security really serious here at xxxxx"
"if that's the case then why aren't you checking the 4 people who have just walked in"
"Well i recognize them, don't i!"
"how do you know you recognize them if you haven't even turned round to see if you recognize them?"
"i know"
"Anyway you don't recognize me? You flipping made my security card when i started!?"
"there's no need to speak like that"
At that point i remembered my son was mucking around with it last night cause its got this pull string thing on it and he loves to see how far it can go before it slaps into his face at 100mph. So i remember shoving it in my bag to keep him safe!
"ooohh actually, its in my bag"
"that's ok then you can go up"
"WHAT?!! you don't want to see it?
"No, as long as you have it on you, that's ok for me!
"So if i came in and said i had it in my bag you wouldn't have said anything?"
"Nope" And off that fucker went! Into his fag smelling room where he most probably sat till some other poor fucker he didn't like turned up for work!
After taking a quick pee i walked into the office and see this ass hole, an absolute prick, the biggest bum licker i have ever seen in my life that i have been working with for 2 months, you know the kind of guy that starts bum licking everyone so that he gets favours, like gets to go home early , does over time etc but what he doesn't know is that everyone thinks he's a right prick!
Anyway i walk in and its
" you're supposed to be in 11:30 aren't you?
"oh yeah i am but i was speaking to the MD"
The look on his face was soo funny, i nearly pee'd.
It was like i just had sex with is wife, hahahah, i knew he was dying to ask me what i was doing talking to him and i knew he'd ask me later in the day, so i was thinking off all these mad reasons. Anyway plugged my lappie into the docking station and booted up my lappie. Started to troubleshoot some calls. I work in IT , 3rd line support. Anyway came to about 3pm, thought id go for some food and i heard,
"alright xxxxx, so you going for lunch?"
"yep" (i knew he was going to ask me about the conversation i supposedly had so i kept it brief, don't give him anything to work with)
"sooo...."
"yes"
"what u getting?"
"food, I'm hungry, you want something?"
"no, I'm ok thanks"
"ok then see ya"
"oi xxxx, what errrr....."
"yes?"
"what were chatting with the MD about?"
"ohhhh, cant say mate, he told me not to tell anyone!"
I couldn't help it but i thought this asshole has given me loads of reasons to make a idjit out of him, so i winked and walked off. I walked down to Marks & Sparks (I shouldn't have cause of the whole Israel and Palestine thing but they do do some fucking nice food man!) Grabbed some fruit and then changed my mind half way and grabbed these "chocolate refrigerator cakes" which i must say are truly orgasmic! Anyway munched my way through them and walked back.
Went into the office and carried on working, and then mr bumlicker started to do the one thing i hate above all, he started to watch what i was doing. You'd think that even after i'd moved my lappie in an angle that he'd get the point but he just moved further out to get a better view of my screen, so i turned round and said:
"alright xx"
"oh yeah, yeah, was just seeing..."
"seeing what?........."
"nothing man, you know......"
"no i don't , what's up with you man?......."
"nothing , god, you're in a bad mood aren't you, don't take it out on me?"
"I'm not in a bad mood, its just you been like a peeping tom since i came back in the office, at first i kind of liked the attention but now its getting kinda rude, you know?"
"i wasn't looking at you, in not a gay" I giggled, i found it funny, this guys a proper freshie right off the boat from Lahore, Pakistan and sometimes, he fucks his words up which i find just wicked cause my mum does it all the time.
The favourites are:
TESCo becomes TESHTO
FOOD GIANT becomes Food Joint
Happy Birthday becomes Happy Bird day.
Anyway i let him off and carried on working till...well now actually, MR BL (Bum licker) for short is still sitting next to me pretending to do work (but he's looking at the auto trader website, got another colleague, Nigerian guy who's fucking well dodgy. Made the mistake of telling him i want to get sky.
"SKY, i know a guy who will do sky for you my friend"
"Oh yeah?"
"yes £16 a month for everything"
"yeah?"
"yeah, just give him your credit........"
"fuck you mate, i don't even give my mum my CC card let alone a Nigerian"
No thanks, so i ordered it myself and grabbed a bargain, skyworld package (that's everything for £40 including unlimited broadband).Anyway a few hours to go and then i can go home and see my Mrs and my little boy, cant wait! Lets hope i don't strangle Mr BL!
See you all tomorrow
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